7 Simple Steps to Ruining Your Homeschool (And Your Kids)
This post is a satirical guide to ruining your homeschool, and shares 7 ways to do so. Of course, being satire, these 7 steps are actually things to avoid in your homeschool if you want to truly grow and flourish with your children.
As homeschool moms, a common worry for us is whether or not we are “ruining” our children by taking them out of the conventional school system. Today, I have good news for you. There is no need to worry about whether or not you are ruining your children: I will show you exactly how to go about doing it, and you can get started today!
Even though your children are at home now, even though you have ostensibly “rejected” that traditional form of schooling, you can still take the public school home with you through your mindset regarding who children are and what education is. It’s not hard – this mindset is all around us, and even in the metaphors we use.
When we talk about “recharging,” getting “burnt out,” or going on “autopilot,” we are using machine metaphors to describe people – and this spills over into our culture’s view of education as well. This machine mindset is exactly what we need to ruin our homeschool, so don’t forget it!
It may sound too good to be true, but you can easily and effectively ruin both your homeschool AND your children by following the seven simple steps below. I’ll show you how – let’s get started!
Disclaimer
The following blog post is a work of satire, and as such, it purposefully exaggerates in order to make a point. My intended audience is parents who are already homeschooling and might be (unintentionally) imitating the public school system – if this is not you, perhaps you should skip it.
To any public/private school teachers: please know that I respect and appreciate you and your work. Loving, caring teachers make a tremendous difference in the lives of thousands of kids – my main complaint is with the broken system within which you are forced to work.
To any parents of public/private school kids: please know that I do not blame or shame you for any of your educational choices. I am convinced that every parent here is doing the best they can for their kids, no matter where they are – and if I were in your shoes, I would probably make the same choices you have done. My complaint, again, is with the broken system – not with the parents and children who do their best within that system.
7 Steps to Ruining Your Homeschool – That Anyone Can Do!
1. Think about how you naturally learn – and do the opposite with your kids.
Remember the last time you learned something new, whether it was a new recipe, new hobby, or simply reading a new genre of literature: chances are good that you started with some interest in the topic, you chose your own method of learning (YouTube, a book, a knowledgeable friend, Google, the library), and you moved at your own pace.
We know that children aren’t really people (like we are), so do the opposite in your homeschool. Start by ignoring or disregarding any natural interests your children have, and continue on by always presenting their school subjects in the same way (preferably with textbooks and workbooks, which are about the dullest possible ways to learn something new). Finish up by pushing your children along at whatever pace the textbook recommends, no matter if it appears to be too fast (or even too slow) for your particular child.
2. View your kids as machines.
But wait, you might think. My kid isn’t a machine! He’s a unique, precious individual! You may have been deluded into thinking this, but if you believe that your child is an individual, it will greatly hinder your ability to ruin your homeschool. Remember how the public schools – the GOLD STANDARD for education – view kids. Kids in conventional schools are simply a number, and they are all given the same curriculum, the same pacing, the same amount of recess, and the same (very limited) portion of the teacher’s attention.
No individualism is allowed, because that would slow down the factory. No quirks, geniuses, or late bloomers are allowed, because children are machines. Pump out those kids, one at a time, all on the same timetable and with the same set of prejudices and ignorantly formed opinions! They should all be learning the exact same thing at the exact same time – and so should your kids at home.
3. Don’t think about growth; instead focus on disconnected facts.
Charlotte Mason, that dangerous thinker from the past (aren’t they all, though?), had the audacity to claim that “Growth: physical, intellectual, moral, spiritual, is the sole end of education.” Don’t believe it! The sole end of education is 1) teaching children to stop caring, and 2) teaching facts – the more disconnected, the better (these two work hand in hand, by the way).
By all means, do not let children make connections or find relations between their various areas of study. Instead, befuddle them by piling facts upon facts into their little brains, never explaining, giving context, or – heaven forbid – going on rabbit trails to find out what those little facts mean. Let them puff up into self-righteous “knowledge” without venturing near those most dangerous bedfellows: wisdom and humility.
4. Teach every subject separately to every grade.
If you’re in the business of ruining your homeschool (aren’t we all?), this single step will put you on the fast track like no other. Hopefully you have more than two children, otherwise this step won’t be as effective as it could be; but if you have three or more children, this will burn you out like nothing else!
Spend lots of your precious time looking for the best third grade literature curriculum, health curriculum, history curriculum, science curriculum, math curriculum, art curriculum, and underwater basket weaving curriculum. Buy them all – including the workbooks – and then do the same thing for your fifth and seventh graders. Try to fit them all into your day, and you’ll immediately be plunged into the depths of despair. Perfect!
5. Motivate your children with grades and tests.
Additionally – if you really want to go the whole distance – you can motivate them by comparing them with other kids their age. After all, this is what the public schools do, and it does wonders for killing any natural interest or curiosity they may have had in the subject at hand.
Imagine that your little first grader is really and truly interested in learning about the solar system. Rather than sharing books and knowledge with him simply for the joy of knowing (which is what he wants), tell him there will be a TEST on it and instill in him the fear of getting a bad GRADE. This will quickly and effectively squelch his natural curiosity and replace it instead with either worry and stress (about not knowing enough) OR self-righteous pride (about knowing more than his sister does).
Bravo! You’re one step closer to the traditional school system, and therefore one step closer to ruining your homeschool.
6. Remember that imagination, wonder, and curiosity have NO place in education.
Don’t let them in! They are a waste of time. Who ever made money off of “wonder,” anyways? And we all know that the end goal of education is to get into a good college, get a good job, and MAKE MONEY. The almighty dollar rules us all.
By all means, do NOT let your child read fairy tales, or fantasy stories, or novels, or any other work of fiction – these books have the deplorable tendency to encourage unpractical ways of thinking. Far too often, they kindle imagination, spark ideas, and ignite curiosity!
Alternatively, if your child has the unfortunate experience of reading one of these books (before you can stop her), another way you can quickly negate its harmful effects is to immediately start to ANALYZE the story. Give her a worksheet, ask her pointless “comprehension” questions, or tell her to write a report on it – and you’ll quickly kill off all of her (useless, unnecessary) imagination.
7. Do not trust your kids, nor the Holy Spirit – instead, live in fear.
This is another thing the traditional school system teaches us: that children cannot be trusted. Why else would they be locked away from the rest of the community, continually supervised, and given no choice in the books they read, the topics they “study,” or even the times when they can use the bathroom? Continue this pattern in your homeschool, and you’ll be well on your way to ruining it.
Don’t trust your child to make their own connections between books they read: instead, do it for them. Don’t trust your child to make sense of phonics when they are ready for it: instead, push and push and push them, even in the preschool years. Don’t ever leave them alone to create their own play and solve their own boredom: instead, schedule every minute of their day, and make sure they’re always in an activity organized by an Adult. Above all, don’t trust the Holy Spirit to work in your child’s heart: instead, preach, moralize, and explain every single Bible story they hear until they’re heartily sick of the whole thing.
Children are not worthy of our trust, so we’d better do all their thinking for them – and as a bonus, we get to ruin our homeschool along the way!
Conclusion
Friends, the satire ends here. I hope it put a little smile on your face, or perhaps caused you to reconsider some of the ways you are viewing your child’s education!
Again, please know that this was an exaggeration; and while I believe in the main principles behind these points, I do not judge any homeschooler who has fallen into these traps. How could I judge, when I have done the same?
We all find ourselves imitating the system around us at times, and I need these reminders as much as you do. I couldn’t write about these things if I hadn’t experienced them myself!
Finally, if you need a leg up to help you climb out of this “traditional education mindset” trap – a friend to walk alongside you and chat about what has worked for her – I’m currently writing an eBook on this very topic.
If this idea interests you, pop in your email below to join the waitlist for my eBook (no purchase or obligation required) – and as a thank you, I’ll send you an EXCLUSIVE FREE sneak peek of the introduction to the book!
