Balanced Screen Time for Kids: 8 Questions to Ask

We have never owned a TV or an iPad.

On any given day our kids have approximately four times as much outside time as they do screen time.

I can probably count on one hand the number of full-length movies we watch in a year.

Yes, this is weird. And yes, we are totally okay with that.

Now, it’s difficult to talk about making counter-cultural choices (such as balanced screen time) without coming across as thinking we are “better than” families who choose otherwise. Is it possible to make our own choices and yet still respect and love families who do things differently? I certainly hope so! Therefore, I want to make this very clear: None of these things are wrong. We are not *better than* families who choose otherwise – far from it! We are not 100% screen free and we would not be any more righteous if we were. These are simply some (slightly odd) choices that have worked for us.

Not only have they worked for us, but we have loved, loved, loved giving our children a (mostly) screen free childhood. It has been simple and easy and we have not had to fight battles over screen time or worry about the entertainment our children are consuming. They have played, so much, and been so very creative and we have had thousands of beautiful memories made. They still have fun and they still have friends! I have no regrets about limiting their screen time. None!

However, over the past year we have come to realize that as our children are growing and changing, it’s not necessary or wise to keep the exact same rules and restrictions that they had when they were younger. A series of events and family discussions has resulted in three observations:

1. The screen free lifestyle should not become my identity nor an idol. As much as I have loved it, will continue to promote it, and believe in its abundant benefits, this should not be the defining characteristic of our family. First and foremost, we are Christians – loved by God and created in His image and redeemed by Him – and all other identities must submit to this priority.
2. Change is not always bad; rather, it is often good and even necessary. I’ve never wished back the baby days, because I struggle to function well with a lack of sleep, but sometimes I do wish my children could linger more in the “little kid” phase of innocence and simple pleasures. Instead, the reality is that they are growing and changing more quickly than I can comprehend! I sometimes feel that I, and every other mom, have unknowingly signed up for a horribly unfair race: we are awkwardly stumbling alongside a posse of young eager racehorses, huffing and puffing in a futile effort to keep up with all that’s going on in our children’s mental, emotional, and physical development.
3. There are many, many ways to be a good parent when it comes to screen time. What works for one family in one particular season will probably not work for another family in a different particular season. I hope I’ve been clear about this in the past – that the way our family does it is not The Way, The Truth, and The Life – but sometimes I also feel the need to remind parents that there are other options besides the Standard American Screen Addiction. You certainly don’t need to copy exactly what I choose (or any other internet mom chooses) to do, but neither do you need to get your kid a smart phone in third grade just because all the other families are doing it. Both are true.

Questions to Guide Our Balanced Screen Time

Here’s the interesting thing: every single one of these questions applies equally well to myself and my own screen time. In our technological age this is a constant, life-long process of striving to find the right balance for us. This balance will change in different seasons of life, and we need to be open to regularly re-evaluating our relationship with technology. So, here are some questions to guide our decisions as our oldest children mature (just a tiny bit) and move into middle school. Our answers are not perfect – I cannot always answer all of these honestly in the way I would like – but I believe that as we consider them, they will guide us to the right sort of balanced screen time.

Note: several of these ideas came from The Tech-Wise Family, which I would highly recommend reading if you have not yet. He addresses this issue with an irresistible combination of humility and wisdom.

Is our screen use interfering with our real life relationships?

This could be our family relationships, our personal relationships with God, or even the way we interact with friends and neighbors. Relationships have to come first, and if we see screen time getting in the way, it has to go – no question there.

Is our screen use interfering with our real life hobbies and activities?

Real life, hands-on hobbies and activities are healthier and more satisfying than screens, every time. I find myself having to be more intentional about carving out time for non-screen hobbies especially now that one of my major non-parenting hobbies is writing in this blog, which is almost entirely done in front of a computer! Walks, playing piano, reading physical books, spending time in the garden – all of these things are even more important for me right now to balance my own computer time.

Is our screen use affecting our attitudes or moods?

This absolutely happens to me if I spend too much time online or on social media, so I want to be on the lookout for this with our boys too. If we see negative effects on attitudes or moods, maybe our children aren’t quite mature enough to handle whatever screen time we’ve been giving them.

Are we choosing our own entertainment and/or limits, or is an algorithm choosing it for us?

The omniscient algorithm is happy to continue serving up entertainment, custom-chosen just for us, in a never-ending stream on into eternity forever and ever amen… but is this what we want? Does the algorithm know what is best for us: what will nourish our minds and bodies and souls? I’d rather make these choices and set these limits myself, thankyouverymuch.

Is our screen time bringing us together as a family, or driving us apart?

Is the chosen screen time something we can do together? Can we enjoy it together and talk about it afterwards? Or does it drive us each into our separate corners with unrelated content? Ultimately, movies are stories, and although they do not confer all the benefits that reading aloud gives to our children, they still can create a shared background of laughs and inside jokes that binds our family together.

Are we viewing our technology as a tool or as an idol?

This is a tricky one. My computer is definitely a tool that helps me to write quickly and (mostly) accurately. My phone, on the other hand, tends more towards the idol/distraction category – and yet there are many ways in which it is a helpful and necessary tool. I don’t think there are any quick and easy answers (or solutions) here, other than prayerfully asking for wisdom and being open to hearing uncomfortable answers.

Is our life characterized by consumption or do we strive to balance that with creation?

Note that creation can involve technology and/or screens, too! This is not an “anti-screens” question but rather a consideration of how we are using our screens. Going back to the example of my blog, YES I am sitting in front of a screen for long periods of time when I write, but I am not simply consuming entertainment – I am creating! It might not be anything wonderful, but I am still using my brain and searching for the perfect metaphor and struggling to put ideas into words and revising and rethinking and editing photos and learning as I go along – this is all much different and more exciting than simply watching a show. And even though I still need breaks from the screen, I do feel much better knowing that I am producing something (even if it is of questionable quality) rather than getting up after an hour of scrolling social media and having nothing to show for it except an increased sense of dissatisfaction.

Do we all (Mom and Dad too) plan for regular breaks from our screens?

We have not been great about this but it’s an area we are praying about. We have an unofficial rule forbidding phone use at the dinner table, but we should probably state it out loud so that the children know it’s intentional. I’d like to have Sundays be a day of taking a break from screens, but I often have computer work that needs to be done in the afternoon – is it fair to tell the children they cannot use any screens on Sunday if Daddy and I are working away on our computers? I don’t know.

How Has Our Balanced Screen Time Changed In Our Family?

With all of the afore-mentioned considerations and questions, what has practically changed in our home? Here are a few things that we have added to our carefully curated and (hopefully) balanced screen time. Let me say this again: your family standards probably will be, probably should be, different than ours! There are many good ways to put limits around screen time with intentionality and care. 

My biggest wish for all parents is simply that they would take the time to consider their family screen time, evaluate if it is serving them well or not, and be willing to try a little less than what our culture says is normal.

1. Our older boys have permission to play a few carefully chosen computer games. Gasp! I know. This is a big change and I was apprehensive about it, but so far it has gone well! They have loved it, of course, and one brother enjoys greeting me each day with “Mom, you have died of dysentery.” (any guesses which ancient game we uncovered for them to try?)
2. The boys are allowed to search the internet for very specific things (mostly pictures of super cars). Children using the internet scares me, because of all the awful things they could stumble upon, but at the same time they have to learn how to use the internet. So, the boys have to tell us what they are searching for (and make sure it is spelled correctly), and we’ve had many conversations about what to do if (perhaps I should say when) they come across Bad Pictures. This too has gone well with no issues so far.
3. The older boys are doing more typing in their own Google docs. Sometimes it is stories they want to write, sometimes it is lists of favorite cars, sometimes it is utter nonsense altogether; but often when I sit down on the couch to work on my blog, one of the boys will snuggle up next to me with “his” computer to do some typing. It’s rather sweet and I am happy to have them near me, however atrocious their “poke-at-the-letters-with-one-finger” style of typing might be.

On a related note, the final screen time area that has changed is that the older boys are doing an online typing program. Like using the internet, this is a necessary skill! I usually don’t love the idea of online classes, but this is one subject where you must be at a screen. Some of the boys find that typing comes easier than others, but they all need to start practicing this essential, life-long skill.

I have been pleasantly surprised with the typing program we are using because it reinforces phonics and reading concepts along with the typing! The words they are typing are introduced in groups with the same sounds (like typing man, pan, and fan in the same lesson), and it is a multi-sensory approach (the words are seen on the screen, heard from the speaker, and felt under the fingers). Finally, I am so thankful that the scores for each lesson are based on accuracy, not speed – because I have a few boys who would absolutely fly through the lessons with no regard for correct spelling if speed were the goal. If this sounds like something that would benefit your family, you can take a look at the program here and also get 10% off your purchase if you use my code EROKSER.

Finally, one of the hardest aspects of growing, older children with different needs is that we still have two younger ones who don’t need to be searching the internet or playing computer games. And yet, of course if they are seeing older siblings doing this, they want to join in. How do we manage this? How do we give them a simple and screen-free childhood without crushing their spirits and breaking their hearts? Again, it’s a work in progress and I don’t rightly know. 

At times we draw a firm boundary and tell the little kids that they are simply not old enough to join in with the older kids; while at other times we don’t, and they are definitely being exposed to more, sooner, than their older siblings were. Is this simply part of life with a big family? I think it might be, but I also want to be prayerful about protecting the younger siblings’ childhood as much as we can.

I hope these eight questions and these ramblings about technology have been helpful for you! Balanced screen time is hard to come by, though I firmly believe it is worth the struggle. I pray that we each will be granted the wisdom to navigate this difficult issue with grace and intention; and that, ultimately, our lives will be focused on something much more true and more lasting.

“We are meant to build this kind of life together: the kind of life that, at the end, is completely dependent upon one another; the kind of life that ultimately transcends, and does not need, the easy solutions of technology because it is caught up in something more true and more lasting than any alchemy our technological world can invent.”

~ Andy Crouch, The Tech-Wise Family