8 Reasons Why You Probably Shouldn’t Have Kids
(Note: I wrote this with a specific audience in mind. Either you already have kids and will enjoy the humor here OR you are able to but have chosen not to, in which case I would gently nudge you to rethink that decision. If you are in the situation of “wanting to have children but unable to,” please skip this post. It’s not meant for you and I am truly so sorry for your heartache.)
Reasons Not To Have Kids
Never mind the fact that I have five children. I’ve been thinking about this topic and have come to the conclusion that there are many good reasons (eight listed here, to start with) why you should do your best to avoid replicating my situation. Read on, and be warned!
1. You don’t need any more joy in your life. Babies and children cause an inordinate amount of joy in one’s life, so if you feel that you’ve already got more joy than you can handle, you probably should reconsider having a baby. Granted, you might be thinking of all the middle-of-the-night-puke-fest horror stories that your parent friends like to pass around, and be under the delusion that having a baby would be a good way to balance your excess joy and bring a little more sobriety into your life; but I’m sorry to say that (although these stories are fun to share and cringe-laugh at) these moments are the exception. Like many other people who are in difficult lines of work that they are secretly exceedingly proud of, parents like to complain about the awful, hard, ridiculous moments – but they fail to let you in on the secret that all of the in-between, normal-every-day life is just exceedingly more enjoyable with a child around. How do I know this is true (besides my own experience)? Just look at how many of them choose to have another. And another. And sometimes even a few more. So, please think carefully about how much excess joy you can handle before adding a child to your life.
2. You don’t believe in any causes. After all, the single best way to change the world for the better and make a lasting difference – whether your cause is spiritual, political, environmental, or social – is to have a pile of kids and then do your best to pass your beliefs on to them. Whatever your beliefs and goals might be, the single most valuable resource that is needed to bring them to fruition is people. People will evangelize the lost and care for the planet and create a new political party and care for the needy around them and whatever else you may envision for the future of our country. Your ideas and work are not likely to outlive you (sorry), but your children will. They are the future and without them we have no future. But, if you don’t believe in any causes and you don’t care about the future, no need to worry about all that!
3. You are completely selfless. Having kids is a fairly selfish activity. It’s overwhelmingly in your best interests and greatly increases your chance of a happy, satisfied life (see Bryan Caplan’s excellent book for more on this). Furthermore, the benefits only increase as they grow up, which means it’s one of the smartest, safest investments of time and money you could make. But if none of this moves you and you don’t have a selfish bone in your body, you might not care about how much better your life could potentially be.
4. You want to be lonely when you are old. I get it! Life is full of awkward co-workers and mediocre friends and unavoidable family and random annoying strangers, and maybe you just cannot wait until everyone you know is dead and you will finally have some peace and quiet. Having kids (and, heaven forbid, possibly even grandkids) visiting you and taking care of you and spending holidays with you and calling you and sending you pictures and birthday presents would definitely ruin your peaceful old age. If you would much rather be completely forgotten and die all alone, you definitely shouldn’t have kids.
5. You don’t believe what God says is true. Fair enough, I mean, he only created the entire universe and everything in it and sustains it to this day by the word of his mouth. I wouldn’t expect him to know what he’s talking about when he says repeatedly, and with great emphasis, that children are an unequivocal blessing. He was probably just distracted by how cute they are and wasn’t thinking about the big picture. Jesus too must have been completely missing the point when he stopped his extremely-important-work-of-healing-and-teaching-adults just to pray with and bless that insignificant flock of tiny humans. Surely children can’t be that valuable!
6. You don’t like connecting with other humans. Bearing and raising a child is one of the most profoundly, fundamentally human activities that you can experience. People have been doing this since the actual beginning of time and once you have experienced it yourself, you have an instant point of connection with 98% of the humans who have ever lived on the planet. I find that now I read books differently and see the world differently because when I encounter a parent-child relationship, I empathize not only with the child but now also with the parent. I grimace along with the mom in the grocery store whose toddler is throwing a fit and I weep alongside Molly Weasley when her son is tragically killed in the great battle against Voldemort. I marvel at how the Londoners of the 1940s could bear to send their children away from home to escape the German bombings, yet I know that in their shoes I would do the same. This connection will expand your understanding of the world and the people in it, but maybe you don’t want that.
7. Your character is perfect and needs no polishing. Ooh, I envy you here! Because my character is far from perfect, and tumbling around this house with six other unique, imperfect humans has been invaluable in helping to smooth out some (certainly not all) of my roughest edges. It’s a work in progress and we are still tumbling; but my husband and I both agree that there is nothing like caring for a child (or five) to give you a little more compassion, empathy, diligence, grace, and a lot more patience. And our world can most definitely use more of those things… except for you. You’re all set.
8. You’re just too busy amusing yourself. You know, it’s absolutely essential to pack as much fun and entertainment into your life as possible. That’s what life is all about! If you’ve got a baby in your life, you might not be able to do axe throwing AND rock climbing AND underwater basket weaving AND wine tasting every single week, and what a tragedy that would be! You’ve got to weigh the cost of all that utterly frivolous entertainment against the possibility of bringing new life into this world – a precious, unique, eternal soul. It’s a toss up!
I’m sure that more could be said on this topic but if I don’t stop now I might talk myself into adding another child to our family and we certainly wouldn’t want that, so…
THE END.
Originally written August 11 2022
